“The American flag is a symbol of freedom, unity, and the shared values of all Americans,” Governor Abbott declared as he stood behind a podium adorned with the American flag, the Texas flag, and an oversized cowboy hat that was purely decorative. “In this great state, we believe that the only flag that should fly in our classrooms is the one that represents all Americans, not one that divides them.”
Abbott, known for his bold and often controversial moves, declared this a victory for “traditional values” and for “the children of Texas,” who he claimed would now be free from what he called “unnecessary distractions in the classroom.”
“Let’s be clear,” Abbott added, with the flair of a high school football coach at halftime, “Our classrooms are not places for political statements, social movements, or personal identity crusades. The only movement we want in Texas classrooms is students rising for the Pledge of Allegiance.”
While many Texans cheered the announcement, not everyone was happy about it. A coalition of critics, from LGBTQ+ activists to liberal educators, fired back almost immediately. They took to social media, calling the ban everything from “archaic” to “draconian.”
“Is this the 1950s? I must have stepped into a time machine!” tweeted a prominent Dallas schoolteacher who identified as nonbinary. “Why stop at Pride flags? Let’s ban all symbols of diversity, while we’re at it. Maybe bring back separate water fountains too?”
Students in Austin, which has long been Texas’ bastion of progressive thought (some would say an anomaly in the Lone Star State), organized walkouts in protest. “Pride flags represent love, inclusion, and the diversity of our identities,” one student explained. “Are they saying that love and acceptance have no place in our schools? What’s next? A ban on kindness?”
Some cheekily suggested a new flag featuring a combination of a cowboy boot, the state bird, and the outline of the state of Texas itself. “Might as well keep it simple,” joked one Twitter user, “if we’re stripping everything down to pure Texas values.”
Unsurprisingly, the Texas ban quickly became a national topic, with politicians, celebrities, and late-night talk show hosts all weighing in. Conservative commentator Tucker Carlson praised the move, calling it “a step toward reclaiming American values from the social justice warriors.” He then warned his viewers that the Texas ban might not go far enough: “Just wait until they try to ban our country music from classrooms. That’ll be the day we take to the streets.”
Meanwhile, Hollywood was predictably outraged. Actor Mark Ruffalo, known for playing The Hulk but perhaps better known now for his Twitter activism, decried the decision in a tweetstorm that took up several pages worth of internet real estate. “This is an attack on love, on diversity, on our fundamental freedoms,” Ruffalo wrote. “Flags are symbols, and symbols matter. Texas is sending the wrong message to the world.”
Late-night host Jimmy Kimmel didn’t miss the chance to jump in on the action, dedicating an entire segment to the ban. “Only in Texas,” Kimmel quipped, “could they manage to ban a flag that literally stands for people being nice to each other.”
Texas educators now face the logistical nightmare of enforcing the new rule. Teachers will need to make sure that classrooms comply with the mandate by removing all non-American flags from school property. To aid in this effort, the state of Texas has generously offered to replace each and every Pride flag with an American flag, free of charge.
“Think of it as a trade-up,” one local school board member noted, “A rainbow for the red, white, and blue.”
In addition, Texas will introduce a mandatory “flag curriculum” that teaches students about the importance of the American flag. According to leaked documents, lesson plans include “Why the American Flag is Awesome,” “Flags That Tried to Be as Cool but Failed,” and “The Only Flag You Need to Care About: A Beginner’s Guide.”
“It’s all part of making Texas schools a place of pride—pun intended,” said an education department spokesperson with a wink.
If there’s one thing Texas is known for, it’s going big. Now that the flag ban is in place, there’s speculation about what other reforms could be next. Rumors abound that Texas lawmakers are considering legislation that would require all classroom maps of the United States to place Texas in the center, making the rest of the country look like an afterthought.
There’s also buzz about a new “Texas Values Month,” which would encourage teachers to replace lesson plans on international history with Texas history. According to some insiders, the curriculum would focus on the Alamo, barbecue, and why every Texan is required to own a truck.
While some see the Pride flag ban as a victory for traditional values, others worry that it reflects a larger cultural divide that only seems to be growing deeper.
For one Texas resident, however, the issue is simple: “If you don’t like the American flag, you don’t have to live here.” He concluded his rant by pointing to the Texas state flag and saying, “And if you don’t like that one either, well, the door’s right there.”
As always, Texas is unapologetically Texas. And whether you’re waving the American flag or another symbol, it’s clear the state is marching to the beat of its own drum—loudly, proudly, and perhaps with a little too much hot sauce.
